14 Things You Didn’t Know About Facebook

Thought you knew everything about Facebook didn’t you? If you knew all 12 of these things listed below, I give you permission to tar and feather me over a shark-infested volcano.

1. Zuckerberg Blues: Facebook is blue because Mark Zuckerberg is Red/Green colorblind.  So if I ever find myself in a lawsuit against him, I’ll make sure all of my litigation documents are in red and green ink.  Me: 1, Zuckerberg: 0.

Some would argue it’s the other way around

2. Happiness is contagious (in a bad way): Ah, nothing brings out the inner Hulk in someone like finding out a peer on Facebook just got that position at Google that you were hunting for.  A recent study from Stanford University determined that generally, happy phrases like “LIFE IS AWESOME!!!!!” or “I got the job and youuu didn’t” incites envy anger to those who stumble upon them.

3. Condoms ‘R Us: How would you feel if you received a Facebook message from your unborn child?  A recent condom company took their promotions to the next level by sending prospective customers a message from their “unborn child.”  Do the right thing; use protection.

4. “Zuckerberg, you have the right to remain silent“: If Zuckerberg ever lays a toe in Pakistan, he would be arrested immediately.  This is due to a “Draw Muhammad” contest he created on Facebook.  Good thing he learned his lesson and didn’t create a “Draw Zeus,” or he’d have 300 angry Spartans on his back.

5. You’re sick, you need help: Psychiatrists have recently made an actual diagnosis out of Facebook addiction.  At the rate Facebook is growing, FAD (Facebook Addiction Disorder) is probably one of the leading disorders in the history of mankind.  Check out the symptoms here to see if you need a session with the shrink.

6. They Really Do Look (college admissions): Yet another way for parents to get on their kids about Facebook: “a recent survey of 500 top colleges found that at least 10% of [college] admission officers acknowledged looking at social networking sites such as Facebook to evaluate applicants. Thirty-eight percent of admissions officers said that what they saw negatively affected the applicant.”  Darn it, I guess I should take down my Mardi Gras pictures…

7. Facebook, Esq: In 2011, nearly 1/3 of all divorce filings contained the word “Facebook” somewhere within the documents.  Because nothing says “Divorce” like a “Poke” from your cousin.

Toothpick, toothpick. Kneed the dough

8. Facebook, aka Hitch: A woman created a Facebook group titled, “I need sex,” and within 10 minutes the group already had 35 members. In no time at all the group soon had nearly 200 members, of whom the woman undoubtedly eventually slept with.  Unfortunately for George Costanza, Facebook has since deleted her page.

9. Ever want to stalk “The Zuck”: Adding the number 4 to the end of the Facebook URL will redirect you to Mark Zuckerberg’s wall. Or just clicking here does the same thing.

10. Hey buddy, want to make some cash: If you’re a Computer Science major looking for a job (all 3 of you jobless ones) Facebook pays $500 to anyone who can hack it.  There are a few rules though:

• One cannot disclose personal information about others
• One must give Facebook 24 hours in good faith to fix the issue before going public with the bug.
• Only one bounty per security bug is given.

Why is the rum always gone?

12. You can change your language to “Pirate”: You heard right, now all yer Mateys can join ya fer a pint of rum, that is if it’s not all gone.

• Go into “Account” –> “Languages” –> “English (Pirate)“

13. 83% of prostitutes have Facebook pages: Make sure you read that one correctly.  I said “83% of prostitutes have Facebook pages,” not “83% of Facebook pages are prostitutes.”  Otherwise, I’d have to delete 450 of my friends.

That’s a yes

14. Facebook separation of 3.74 people: In a study done by Facebook data scientist Lars Backstrom determined that everyone on Facebook is connected by 3.74 people.  That means one of my friend’s friend’s friend’s .74 friend knows Rachel McAdams.  I think I’ll ask her out.

Paris, I need not say more (Part 4 of many)

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4 (currently viewing), Part 5

On my way back, I bumped into my good friend Maxime Marceaux, and as soon as I did, I went crashing in the opposite direction, nearly colliding with the mailman.  Maxime is an extremely large man.

“Jesuis desole mon amie.” He chortled loudly as he grasped my shoulders with chunky hands and stopped the streets from spinning.

“No worries Max,” I replied, “maybe you should just start carrying a siren around to warn people you’re nearby.”

He chuckled heartily; it sounded like a horse race.

“Monsieur, how can one miss me?” He boomed through flexed arms.

“You’re right, I just accidentally mistook you for an earthquake.”

“Mon ami Americain,” he harrumphed, “you think you are so funny.”  His marbled silver eyes twinkled with tears braving to peep out and observe the world.  Both he and Fleur had inherited their mother’s eyes.  Thank God Max had inherited his father’s Y-chromosome though.

“Yes, and let’s hope your biceps agree with me.”

That punched the funny bone.  Max loved any joke that had to do with the bulkiness of his muscles.  He paused a moment and I watched his features widen, his stomach fill with air, and he howled with laughter.  The tears now raced to get away from the brutish cacophony that exploded from my dear friend.  The dogs in Moscow must have been whining in complaint of the noise.

“Come here you little man.” He laughed and squeezed me playfully and softly.  I felt all the bones in my body shatter and drop in a fractured jumble around my feet.  Word on the street was that Max put every chiropractor from London to Rome out of business.

Sometimes it paid to have a friend who could swallow the Eiffel Tower in one gulp.  Sometimes it didn’t.  But regardless, he was good sport and better company, especially in a fight, but not so much in wine tasting.  The last (and also first) time I went wine tasting with Max, he swallowed six corks and an entire grape vine.

“Max,” I squealed, “I need to stay alive long enough to get back and submit my story to Lagardere.”

He released his vice grip and I collapsed in a jelly-like manner to the floor and attempted to put my bones back together.

“Monsieur,” his eyes grew to the size of éclairs, “you have finished?”

“Yes Max, you are now looking at the next international best-selling author,” I shakily attempted to regain my footing, “or what you’ve left intact of him.”

“Mon ami Americain,” he shouted, “we must celebrate.  Vin, biere, cigare.  They are on me.”

“I’d love to Max, but I promised Odette I would work on our wedding plans tonight.”

“Monsieur, monsieur,” he tutted and shook his head, “You are in Paris.  Even if you planned your wedding to go wrong, it would still end up parfait.”

There was no sense in arguing with a man who was right in his own mind.  Much less a French man who was right in his own mind.  Much less Max, who was always right in his own mind.  And so we agreed to meet at Fleur’s Café at nine-thirty that evening.  With a slap on the back from Max, we parted ways.  I went flying a block and a half down all the way to my front steps.

Lessons I’ve Learned in California

It has been said far too often that traveling facilitates your self-discovery.  Heck, I met a man just last night at an event who dropped out of college to travel.  Of course, he ended up in a Venezuelan prison for five months, which I suppose sped up the process of “finding himself.”  Well as for me, I’ve found many things aside from myself on my voyage to California, and an orange jumpsuit and bars is not part of that list.  But these 7 things are:

1. Get your Starbucks and run (California specific):  Those sneaky California sales taxes can really kill you with this one.  If you order your Starbucks “for here” you get an added sales tax that you wouldn’t get if you had ordered “to go.”  Better yet, to avoid any confusion, just grab your coffee and bolt.  This way they fully understand you mean to take it “to go.”  

2. You really can pass a day staring out the window drinking tea: I’ve developed something of a reputation among my neighbors as “the old coot.”  Parents tell their children, “stay away from that house, you know who lives there.”  Every now and then the neighborhood kids wander up to my front steps, ring the bell, and run away on a dare.  I should purchase a cane and a cat for more authenticity.  But in all honesty, it is absolutely necessary to hold yourself still and move with the seconds from time to time, the tea is just for added affect.

3. Finding a hill doesn’t necessarily mean you should go down it: From where I’m staying (Berkeley) the whole state seems like one big hill.  To top it all off, I live on the top of a 90 degree slope.  For the most part, I get around by bicycle, which means I get to feel that rush of wind as I soar down the hills.  But I’ve found that just because the hill is there, doesn’t mean I should go down it just to feel that thrill pump.  Because at the end of the day, I still do live way up back at the top.

4. Toast tax (California specific): They’re at it again; if you order your Subway sub “toasted,” they add on an extra sales tax.  This time, you can’t get away with it by grabbing your sandwich and running.  Well, I guess you still can.

5. Fold-out couches are more comfortable: I’m subletting with 6 other guys, in an apartment meant for 4.  But I have a pleasantly satisfying fold-out couch all to myself.  Surprisingly enough, this is much more spacious than my bed back home in Virginia.  It might be more comfortable simply because it’s more comfortable; but it also might be this way due to the connotations of sleeping on a couch.  Not the “honey, why don’t you sleep on the couch tonight,” connotation, but one of adventure and reconnaissance.  The feeling you get abroad, modestly for the sole reason that you’re not safe and sound in your own bed.  Of course, I do miss my teddy bear sometimes.

6. Rice crispies give your jaw a good workout: On my second day here, my apartment-mates and I unearthed a massive rice crispy treat fit for a Tyrannosaurus Rex.  We were so thrilled with our find we decided to divide up the loot and pamper our discovery right away.  Two hours and five thousand bites later, we weren’t even halfway done with this colossal candied treat.  But on the bright side, I’ve been packing on loads of  muscle… Around my mouth.

7. Hella’: Just, hella’.

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8 Things I learned at My First Networking Event

I can stand people.  People aren’t too bad.  I guess that’s a step in the right direction from my father, whose deep philosophical insight on people is, “if you’ve met one, you’ve met them all.”  Of course, he’s also the same father who says that all I need to get through life is two jackets.  One for funerals, and one for “miscellaneous.”

But persons I can’t stand.  I can’t stand them for three basic reasons: When you’re talking to someone one-on-one,

• You can’t yawn in the middle of them speaking, even if you only got 2 hours of sleep last night
• You can’t scratch yourself in certain places, even if you have accidentally sat in a pile of poison ivy
• You can’t blame an errant fart on the guy next to you, even if it was your idea to go get burritos in the first place.

Individual persons just won’t understand these actions, unless of course they too were indulging in burritos as a self-treat for having to stay up all night because they ran out of Benadryl.  If you have, let’s get together and talk sometime.

Regardless, social skills are without a doubt are one of the most important ones you’ll need in your lifetime.  And knowing when you can yawn, scratch your rear, and fart at the same time is lesson one of that skill-set tutorial.  After mastering that one, move on to these other essential, yet unspoken ones you’ll need, not just at networking events, but for the rest of your life:

1. If there are refreshments or some sort of mastication involved, stay away from the spinach.  Spinach has a wonderful way of getting stuck in places it shouldn’t be.  And as comfortable as it is in between your two front teeth, there is a time and place for everything, and talking to a prospective employer or investor is not it.

2. Become the butt of all jokes, or joke about butts.  Remember that guy in elementary school that ate mud?  Or that girl that beat up all the guys on the playground?  Of course you do, because they were memorable; different.  I’m not condoning eating mud or beating up guys on playgrounds, especially at a networking event, but don’t worry about looking silly or saying something stupid.  People will remember you for it.  And even if it’s for a bad reason, in my opinion, it’s always better to be remembered than forgotten.

3. In the instance that there are refreshments, break the ice by being the first to grab a quiche.  Everyone’s been eyeing the shrimp cocktail and pork eggrolls for a while.  It’s the first thing most of them noticed when they entered the room.  The enticing aroma of fresh finger foods wafts into their nostrils and teases their brains, relentlessly stimulating their appetites.  Set them free.  Grab that quiche and release the dam of desire that’s been burning a hole in their stomach linings. You know you want to.

4. ALWAYS seal the deal.  The point of networking events is to make contacts.  Do that.  Get as many contacts as you can, the feeling you get with a new email address in your list will override the fact that you’ve had a chunk of spinach stuck in your teeth for the past 30 minutes.  Don’t go home empty handed.  Either that or you had better have shoved alot of the refreshments in your jacket pockets.

5. Have an exit strategy.  Let’s face it, there are some bajillion people in the world.  You’re bound to meet at least one person who utterly bores you to no end.  Maybe it’s the facial tick, maybe its their breath.  But for whatever reason you find yourself stuck face to face with them, being sucked further and further into conversation hell.  Sometimes it helps to have a sick aunt or an overactive bladder.

6. Agree negatively. Disagree positively.  Noone likes to be disagreed with, but noone likes to be gone unchallenged as well.  Noone can be pleased.  The closest you can get is to agree negatively or disagree positively.  For example:

Person: “I think I’m going to shave a lion.”

You: “That’s a great idea!  Watch out for the teeth and the claws though, heard those things are pretty sharp.”

Person: “Hmm on second thought, maybe I won’t.”

Good luck with that, Person

7. Do the math.  Smile 90% if the time, look quizzical 8% of the time, and look shocked 2% of the time.  Congratulation, you have just feigned attraction and intrigue.

8. Leap before you look.  When it comes down to it, you’ll regret the things you didn’t do more than things you did do.  So jump into that beany burrito, dive into that pile of poison ivy, and don’t be afraid to get no sleep.  In the words of one of the great father’s of our time, being miserable builds character.

6 Weird Tips for a Better, More Effective Workout (as described by my lazy butt)

I’ll be honest with you all, I haven’t been to the gym in a very. Long. Time.  The last time I was at the gym, it was because I accidentally entered the wrong address into my GPS; I think I was looking for a KFC.

Regardless, there I was, amongst a boat-full of body builders (metaphorically of course, if I meant it in a literal sense, that boat would sink faster than the Titanic in a glacier parade).  I was pressed somewhere between a bicep and an anterior deltoid when I had the sudden realization, “golly gee batman, this isn’t KFC.”  Needless to say, I did not order the double down sandwich at KFC, I had already received it.

I came out of that experience a changed man.  I wish none of you to ever find yourself in the precarious position I was in nor to experience the feeling of being at the mercy of a mere flex, but if you do happen to find yourself thrust into the gym with no bearings or biscuits, here are some helpful albeit weird tips for keeping your bacon intact:

Spit on others at your own risk, especially at a gym

1. Drink-spit: During your workout, take a sip of your Gatorade or other sugary sports drink but don’t swallow.  Instead spit it out and continue with your workout, you’ll find yourself strangely rejuvenated.

Why?  You’re fooling your body into thinking it has more energy than it actually does. Your tongue will pick up the presence of sugars but your body won’t feel the weight of the liquid to drag it down.

This baby will be the next Usain Bolt

2. The Pout: Jut your lower jaw forward during a workout or invest in a performance mouthpiece (holds lower jaw in place)

Why? Shifting your lower jaw forward will open your throat and promote steady breathing.  In addition, it prevents jaw-clenching, which according to science results in reduced production of the stress hormone, cortisol.

Allegro not legato

3. Pump up the tunes: Listening to fast music will improve your workout efficiency.

Why? A British study showed that when bikers were listening to pop music, their pedaling sped up by 10 percent used more force per pedal.  When the music was slowed down, the bikers responded in kind.

She’s going to have a good workout

4. Drink cold: Instead of drinking room temperature water-fountain water, make an ice-cold slushy or other frozen drink.

Why? Drinking a colder beverage will lower your core body temperature, which will help keep you energized.

5. Schizophrenic is good: Talk to yourself while working out to help keep motivated.

Why? Turn off your negative thoughts and focus on positive ones.  Just make sure they’re relevant, thinking about rainbow colored ponies will not motivate you any further, unless of course you are lifting one.

6. Narcissism too?: Feel free to ogle your muscles as you workout.

Why? This ensures that you are using proper form, using the correct muscles, and you can pretend you’re one of those guys who are so big, they just go to the gym for the mirrors.  Don’t let it get to your head though.

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How to Cook: Lesson 1, What is Food?

I digress, as a university student I find that the majority of my meals are comprised of spam, rice, and instant noodles.  The bad thing is, I actually enjoy eating them.  I love the salty crunch of charred spam in my mouth, I love feeling the fat juice swirl around my cheek and make love to my whet palate.  Whew, is it hot in here or is it just me?

So if you’re as addicted to spam as I am, check out these cool cooking hacks with me.  It will be a long voyage with many a heartbreak and despair, but together we can get over this crutch one step at a time.

Good thing you drank all the beer

1. Cook your meat in a beer cooler: Sous-vide cooking is when you seal uncooked products in a bag and submerse it in a temperature-controlled water bath.  Although it takes much longer than basically every other way of cooking, it allows you to precisely control the final temperature of your food.  In addition, your meats and veggies will be noticeably more tender and juicy as a result of the increased enzymatic activity due to the elongated cooking time.  The only downside is that these water baths can cost hundreds of dollars.

J.Kenji Lopez-Alt from SeriousEats realized that not only do beer coolers keep your beer cold, but it can also keep things warm as well.  Thus, they double perfectly as a temperature-controlled water bath for sous-vide cooking:

• Add water a few degrees higher than your final desired temperature (the water will decrease in temperature when the food is submerged)
• Seal your meat in an air-tight bag with all the air squeezed out
• Let cook for about 45 minutes to an hour

Your meat will be perfectly cooked, and be juicier than a Tropicana commercial.

Although eating iron grilled cheese sandwiches here seems a bit off-beat

2. Cooking kitchen-less: in a hotel room: Be it the Ritz-Carlton or the Termite Inn Motel, you’ll be sure to have fun cooking up these kitchen-less concoctions:

• Make a panini or grilled cheese with the iron
• Toast your bagel on the coffee warmer hot-plate
• Use the hot water from the coffee pot to cook instant oatmeal

3. Remove fats from liquids with ice: I personally find it appetizing when I see gobs of fat doing the breast stroke in my stews.  But if you’re normal and disdain the sight of the surfeit swimmers try dropping a couple ice cubes in your soup; the fat will coagulate around the colder areas and you can scoop it out.

4. Use frozen fruits to chill beverages instead of ice cubes: this way instead of watering down your beverage, it gives it an elegant flair with a sweet treat to top it off.  Chilled grapes and strawberries work well with white wines.  Apparently.

Meaty gang symbols

5. The finger test for meats: This one is new to me.  Using your palm as reference you can determine the exact doneness of a meat.  In addition, it makes you feel more Italian using these hand gestures when cooking. Check out the full details here.

6. Peel grapes without grandma: This is my personal favorite.  Unless your grandmother is as willing to sit there for hours on end and peel grapes for you (like mine) you’ll appreciate this hack.  Who doesn’t love the feel of popping peeled grapes in their mouth?

• Remove stems from grapes and place in resealable plastic bag
• Freeze the grapes for at least two hours
• Remove grapes from freezer and rinse under warm water (most of the grapes should slide out of their peels as they thaw)

7. Stop empathizing with your onions: to minimize tear flow, freeze your onions 15 minutes before cutting them.  This way they have to endure a slower and more painful death through freezing.  You horrible person.

8. If you oversalt a dish, sometimes throwing in a slice of raw, peeled potato can soak up the excess sodium

Sure potato, he cut himself

9. Store onions and potatoes separately: they make each other go bad faster and they both fight over the carrots.

• Also separate your bananas after bringing them home, they don’t play well with others

Don’t know how I even found this

10. Nuke your citrus: to get the most juice out of a lemon or a lime, put them in the microwave for 20 seconds, roll them around a bit, and then go save the world with it.

5 Simple Tips for Quick Beach Beauty, and 1 Goat

Summer time: time to feel self conscious about that last triple-decker-bacon-lard cheeseburger and extra fries (with a diet coke) you snacked on all Winter.  And although women’s health and beauty may not quite be my explicit area of expertise, Amy Rose Spiegel from BuzzFeed seems to have some good tips for quick beach beauty.  But of course, she could have told me that rubbing a goat’s chin while blowing a whistle (you, not the goat) would help me lose love handles fast and I would have never doubted her for a second.  To this day I would still be abusing that poor goat.  So on behalf of both Billy and myself, I thank you Ms. Rose Spiegel.

Oh Yeahhhh!

1. Use Kool-Aid as water-proof lip stain:

• Pour out a small amount of Kool-Aid into a cup
• Mix in some water
• Dab with fingers and apply to lips
• Clean up with q-tip
• Drink rest of mix

Now just master this coy pose and you’re on your way to stardom

2. Use the salty sea water as a way to get wavy hair:

• Wet your hair with the sea water
• Scrunch it up with your hands
• Allow hair to dry naturally (for more waves, let dry in sunlight)

The natural method to get a smooth face

3.  Exfoliate your skin with sand: I still don’t know what exfoliate means, although I seem to use it a lot in conversation.  No one has corrected me yet so either I’m spot on with my definition, or they feel so bad for me that they don’t press the matter.

• Just rub the sand onto your body
• Rinse off

4. Use tea bags to sooth sunburn: Can anyone tell me what tea can’t do?

• Take 3 or 4 tea bags
• Allow them to steep
• Wrap them in a towel
• Dab sunburnt areas

∞ Jon?

5. Give yourself a suntan tattoo by using a sticker: Some good ideas include:

• Jon is Awsum
• <3Jon4evr

There are just so many possibilities!  If you’d like I can send you a picture of my face for you to slap onto your back.

Please. Spare me.

6. Rub a goats chin while blowing a whistle: Modern science still hasn’t come up with an explanation for this one.  I don’t think anyone ever will.

Credits to Amy Rose Spiegel on BuzzFeed

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