How to Feign Intelligence (For Dummies)

I was initially tempted to write this blog on how to use diction to convince someone that you are somewhat intelligent.  But then I found on trusty Yahoo Answers that, “It is entirely farcical to assert that one can ascertain intellect from several nugatory words.”

So after a few trips to the dictionary I realized that it really is ridiculous to attempt to feign intelligence through words alone.  That would be like saying a strategic person can be fantastic at chess even if they don’t know the rules.  

Even I could beat someone in chess if they didn’t know the rules.  So I’ve compiled a guideline to reference whenever you find yourself in the middle of a heated conversation with the future Albert Einstein; they’ve all worked wonders for me.

In a way, Calvin was smarter than us all

In a way, Calvin was smarter than us all

1. Argue: Every smart person has their own opinion.  Impose your inner genius onto someone by arguing against their points, even if [especially if] you have no idea what they’re talking about. Who knows, maybe you can even convince them that they’re wrong.

Use one of these words and you'll get this same reaction

Use one of these words and you’ll get this same reaction

2. Ask template questions, with specific words: Try to pick out a few words from their intelligent jargon and throw them in a few generic questions.  For example:

  • Why do you think __________ is the way it is?
  • What do you think should be done about __________?
  • If a tree fell and no one was around to hear it, would __________ still be true?
Your argument is invalid

Al says, “your argument is invalid”

3. Find a way to quote either Albert Einstein or Stephen HawkingThis automatically makes any point that they’re trying to make invalid.  Quoting me usually has the same effect.

friend

4. Mathematical terms and numbers go light years: Use a number here, an arithmetical function there, and a variable in between in one sentence and you’re on your way to physicist stardom.

  • “Say there are X pieces of ice cream, and 300 get eaten; it just doesn’t add up, Watson.”
Live long and prosper.

Live long and prosper.

5. Throw punches: Not literally, but do use a lot of hand gestures.  It’s always fun to see how many obscene ones you can sneak in without them noticing.  And if that doesn’t work, you can sock them in the face a couple times until they agree with you.

Girl Genius

Girl Genius

6. Have a pencil behind your ear at all times: Don’t argue with me on this one; it just works.

gonewind

7. If 1-5 fails: “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn,” and walk away into the mist: Make sure you don’t ruin an otherwise perfect exit by walking into a closet or something.

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