6 Weird Tips for a Better, More Effective Workout (as described by my lazy butt)

doubledown

I’ll be honest with you all, I haven’t been to the gym in a very. Long. Time.  The last time I was at the gym, it was because I accidentally entered the wrong address into my GPS; I think I was looking for a KFC.

Regardless, there I was, amongst a boat-full of body builders (metaphorically of course, if I meant it in a literal sense, that boat would sink faster than the Titanic in a glacier parade).  I was pressed somewhere between a bicep and an anterior deltoid when I had the sudden realization, “golly gee batman, this isn’t KFC.”  Needless to say, I did not order the double down sandwich at KFC, I had already received it.

I came out of that experience a changed man.  I wish none of you to ever find yourself in the precarious position I was in nor to experience the feeling of being at the mercy of a mere flex, but if you do happen to find yourself thrust into the gym with no bearings or biscuits, here are some helpful albeit weird tips for keeping your bacon intact:

Spit on others at your own risk

Spit on others at your own risk, especially at a gym

1. Drink-spit: During your workout, take a sip of your Gatorade or other sugary sports drink but don’t swallow.  Instead spit it out and continue with your workout, you’ll find yourself strangely rejuvenated.

Why?  You’re fooling your body into thinking it has more energy than it actually does. Your tongue will pick up the presence of sugars but your body won’t feel the weight of the liquid to drag it down.

This baby will be the next Usain Bolt

This baby will be the next Usain Bolt

2. The Pout: Jut your lower jaw forward during a workout or invest in a performance mouthpiece (holds lower jaw in place)

Why? Shifting your lower jaw forward will open your throat and promote steady breathing.  In addition, it prevents jaw-clenching, which according to science results in reduced production of the stress hormone, cortisol.

Allegro not legato

Allegro not legato

3. Pump up the tunes: Listening to fast music will improve your workout efficiency.

Why? A British study showed that when bikers were listening to pop music, their pedaling sped up by 10 percent used more force per pedal.  When the music was slowed down, the bikers responded in kind.

She's going to have a good workout

She’s going to have a good workout

4. Drink cold: Instead of drinking room temperature water-fountain water, make an ice-cold slushy or other frozen drink.

Why? Drinking a colder beverage will lower your core body temperature, which will help keep you energized.

ManTalkingtoHimself

5. Schizophrenic is good: Talk to yourself while working out to help keep motivated.

Why? Turn off your negative thoughts and focus on positive ones.  Just make sure they’re relevant, thinking about rainbow colored ponies will not motivate you any further, unless of course you are lifting one.

narcissim

6. Narcissism too?: Feel free to ogle your muscles as you workout.

Why? This ensures that you are using proper form, using the correct muscles, and you can pretend you’re one of those guys who are so big, they just go to the gym for the mirrors.  Don’t let it get to your head though.

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