7 Benefits of Being a Morning Person

I woke up at 6 o’clock AM to begin writing this blog. But ironically, I ended up falling asleep and not waking up until now. But I suppose if I were writing this from somewhere in the Pacific Ocean, it would still be considered early. So you have no right to call me a hypocrite.
I don’t know how some people do it, especially my mother, who gets up at 5:45 every morning, even on the weekends. I have irregular spurts of motivation that give way to another failed attempt at becoming a morning person. Maybe it just comes with age. Yeah, that’s what I choose to believe.

I'll take two with extra sprinkles

I’ll take two with extra sprinkles

1. The air tastes better: Really, it does.  I’ve found myself standing in the middle of the street sipping in the air and rinsing it around my taste buds for full effect.  It tastes somewhere in the neighborhood of vanilla and quesadillas.  It’s almost like an oxygen man comes around every night and replenishes everyone’s oxygen supply.  You know he’s coming from his signature oxygen song emanating from his oxygen truck.

brag

2. You get to brag about how much you’ve accomplished: You know how you hated those people who were able to get all their chores done before you woke up?  Well now you get to be those people!  The best part is, when you brag about it, there’s no suitable retort that someone can toss back in your face, other than maybe, “I dreamed longer than you.”  Then it’s just game over.  Of course, most of the time, they are too groggy to even comprehend language of any form, so you can also include what you think of their new haircut.

Must. Have. Second. Breakfast.

Must. Have. Second. Breakfast.

3. You can fit in an extra meal or two: I bet Hobbits are morning people. I mean, how else could they fit in breakfast, 2nd breakfast, luncheon, afternoon tea, supper, dinner, dessert, and still have time to travel to Mordor to save the world from obliteration.  Easy answer: morning Hobbits.

funnyevo

4. Meet a whole new community: Morning people seem to be a whole new species of Homo sapiens.  They seem more jolly, more active, more productive than the rest of us.  Maybe its some sort of mutation, and we’ll all soon be one of their kind, Homorning sapiens. Morning people also seem to talk with more exclamation points.  See number 5 for reference.

Cats are an exception.  Of course Garfield is an exception to everything.

Cats are an exception. Of course Garfield is an exception to everything.

5. Nap with pride: In my personal experience, naps mean different things to morning people and non-morning people:

  • Non-morning person: Why am I so tired?  I just woke up an hour agoozzzzzzzzz….
  • Morning person: Well it’s been a great morning! I think I’ve earned a little nap!  Then I’ll get right on to cleaning that toilet!!!!

postie

6. People think differently about you: People can’t hate you, only envy you for the fact that you’re a morning person.  And if they say they hate you, you know better.  So just smile, and enjoy your second breakfast.

7. This:

You wouldn't want to sleep through a cigar on the beach

You wouldn’t want to sleep through a cigar on the beach

How to Feign Intelligence (For Dummies)

I was initially tempted to write this blog on how to use diction to convince someone that you are somewhat intelligent.  But then I found on trusty Yahoo Answers that, “It is entirely farcical to assert that one can ascertain intellect from several nugatory words.”

So after a few trips to the dictionary I realized that it really is ridiculous to attempt to feign intelligence through words alone.  That would be like saying a strategic person can be fantastic at chess even if they don’t know the rules.  

Even I could beat someone in chess if they didn’t know the rules.  So I’ve compiled a guideline to reference whenever you find yourself in the middle of a heated conversation with the future Albert Einstein; they’ve all worked wonders for me.

In a way, Calvin was smarter than us all

In a way, Calvin was smarter than us all

1. Argue: Every smart person has their own opinion.  Impose your inner genius onto someone by arguing against their points, even if [especially if] you have no idea what they’re talking about. Who knows, maybe you can even convince them that they’re wrong.

Use one of these words and you'll get this same reaction

Use one of these words and you’ll get this same reaction

2. Ask template questions, with specific words: Try to pick out a few words from their intelligent jargon and throw them in a few generic questions.  For example:

  • Why do you think __________ is the way it is?
  • What do you think should be done about __________?
  • If a tree fell and no one was around to hear it, would __________ still be true?
Your argument is invalid

Al says, “your argument is invalid”

3. Find a way to quote either Albert Einstein or Stephen HawkingThis automatically makes any point that they’re trying to make invalid.  Quoting me usually has the same effect.

friend

4. Mathematical terms and numbers go light years: Use a number here, an arithmetical function there, and a variable in between in one sentence and you’re on your way to physicist stardom.

  • “Say there are X pieces of ice cream, and 300 get eaten; it just doesn’t add up, Watson.”
Live long and prosper.

Live long and prosper.

5. Throw punches: Not literally, but do use a lot of hand gestures.  It’s always fun to see how many obscene ones you can sneak in without them noticing.  And if that doesn’t work, you can sock them in the face a couple times until they agree with you.

Girl Genius

Girl Genius

6. Have a pencil behind your ear at all times: Don’t argue with me on this one; it just works.

gonewind

7. If 1-5 fails: “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn,” and walk away into the mist: Make sure you don’t ruin an otherwise perfect exit by walking into a closet or something.

Paris, I need not say more (part 5 of many)

ratatouille

Part 1Part 2Part 3Part 4, Part 5 (currently viewing)

My apartment isn’t much.  In fact, according to Odette and her father, the rats in their sewers even pity me.  But it’s my Babe, it’ll do for me.  Besides, no one has a better view than I do from my one-room flat.  The Eiffel Tower watches me sleep and the River Seine smiles at me every time I glance over Paris.  And best of all, I can see Fleur’s Café at night in all its simple brilliance.  During the day Odette’s mansion casts a shadow over Fleur’s that darkens the faces of the customers and stifles the glint of the tea cups.  Inside my apartment I have a tattered velvet sofa, a gift from Odette’s father.  I have it pushed up against the window so I can listen to the lullabies the Parisian stars and streets sing at night, and I keep the window cracked open so the candied floral scent can squeeze into my room and dance around my nose.  The walls are all red brick, except for the spot where Max punched a hole in drunken stupor.  Or maybe it wasn’t in drunken stupor.  Maybe just stupor, or drunken.  I have a petite refrigerator stashed in the corner next to a petite wooden table and an even petiter wooden stool.  A green mottled curtain separates the kitchen/livingroom/bedroom from my luxurious washroom.  I have a fancy velour wash cloth that I stole from Odette’s mansion when I first moved in.  Aside from a single free-hanging light bulb over my kitchen table, the only other light inside my apartment pervaded from the glow of the television, which I always had set to French soap operas on channel 2.  But Paris provided the rest of the light for me.  The city lights shined through my windows and ran about the creaky wooden floors and crumbly brick walls like school children frolicking on a grassy field, and diffused a warming radiance throughout like a kiss from heaven.

You must be wondering why I don’t live with Odette in her fancy mansion.  Well, according to her old man, I have yet to “earn” my way into the chateau.  He hasn’t told me how, but I assume I would have to either throw a man off the Tower of London or slap a baby across the face.  Besides, I would not trade my apartment for all the diamonds that cold iron-gate protected, even if I slapped a baby across the face.

5 Reasons I Wish I had Learned Programming

Why couldn't I be this cool

Why couldn’t I be this cool, sorry, AWESOME

1. All the cool kids are doing it: Everyone who’s anyone is programming these days.  Every time I meet a new fellow student, 7 times out of 10 they’re in some sort of computer related field that I need to ask them to repeat.  It’s just in to be a programmer now.  Not naming any fingers or pointing any names, but I’m not looking forward reliving the day I found out a 20 year old kid shouldn’t be wearing elastic jeans.

You're not alone, Mr. Fluff

You’re not alone, Mr. Fluff

2. At least I can pretend to be smart: Seeing as how there’s an absolute abundance of programmers in this day and age, it seems most conversations I find myself in somehow end up connecting back to computers.  We could be talking about something completely irrelevant, like British wristwatches and somehow we magically start talking about programming, and I end up looking the fool. It would be nice to be involved in a conversation where I have more input than nod, smile, laugh, excuse self to bathroom, hide until people leave.

Roll Diego, Roll, ROLL!

Roll Diego, Roll, ROLL!

3. If all else fails, I can still roll with the punches: If all my big plans and aspirations fall flat, at least there would be programming to fall back on to.  Even though there is a massive surplus of programmers, there is no shortage of jobs simply because new fields pop up every day, new projects, new startups, that require programmers.  So instead of being a starving artist, I can be a meagerly fed programmer.

"Dear Leia, if Vader found out how I feel..."

“Dear Leia, if Vader found out how I feel…”

4. Keep secrets from parents: In its lowest form of use, programming can be used to conceal certain unspoken things from the older generations.  It is, after all, a whole ‘nother language: the language of the present and the language of the future.  So no more footsie with your girlfriend or boyfriend under the dinner table.  Just jive your java lingo baby.

DIY Retro Phone Phone Amp

Overview:

It’s Phoneception! Kipkay thought up of a great way to amplify your music player or phone by using another phone.  This is a simple DIY project that will generally turn out looking (and sounding) quite appealing.

Final Presentation:

phoneamp

Materials:

  • Old school phone
  • Music player
  • Screwdriver
  • Dremel (w/ cutting blade)

Instructions:

1. Unscrew both ends of the phone (voice piece and receiver)

  • These will most likely be a bit dirty with breath and spit and other goodies so scrub them down; they don’t enhance sound

2. Remove everything inside (make sure you keep the voice piece and the receiver end)

  • You may have to unscrew some wires to get everything out

3. Trace your music player edge around the old phone side.

4. Use a dremel to cut out the area you just traced.

5. The mouthpiece will have sufficient holes for noise enhancement, but you may want to cut out a larger hole on the receiver end.

6. Removing the phone jack from the old phone will leave a hole that you can enlarge for your music player charger.

7. Close up both ends.

Check out the video instructions here.
Credits to KipKay

13 Dog Tips From a Fellow Dog Lover

I am a dog lover.  If there were no dogs in this world, I would undoubtedly transmogrify into some form of heartless and unloving thing.  Like a rock or an almond.  I’ve had my current dog, Tasko for 9 years now.  And although he might not be able to get up stairs or get in the car quite like he used to.  I love him anyways.  Here’s a few dog tips that I have stumbled upon, from dog lover to dog lover:

"I farted."

“I farted.”

1. If your dog refuses to brush her teeth: Squeeze some enzymatic toothpaste on a doggy chew toy, or her favorite part of your face to lick.

dogpill

2. If your dog refuses to take his pills: Be just like Martha Stewart (both the spy and the chef) Hide pills inside your dogs food, or conceal them within these homemade edible pill pockets.

"Don't ask me."

“Don’t ask me.”

3. If your dog pees all over the carpet: Use baking soda to flush it out of the flooring.

  • Pour some baking soda over the spot
  • Let it sit
  • Sweep or vacuum it up

ball

4. If your dog eats too fast: Put a ball in your dog’s food if him eats too fast, it’ll force him to move the ball around to get to the goodies.

"What am I doing with my life?"

“What am I doing with my life?”

5. If your teething puppy is chewing everything in sight: Spray bitter apple spray on everything you don’t want to be destroyed: your cords, your furniture, your kids.

cologne

6. If your dog uses too much shampoo: Dilute your dog’s shampoo to make it last longer.  Teach that diva the meaning of hard living.

squeegee

7. If your carpet has more dog than Persia: Remove pet hair from carpet with a squeegee.

apple

8. If your dog craves icy treats in the summer (they all do): Freeze apple slices in frozen chicken broth using an ice tray.

pasley

9. If you can’t tell the difference between your dog’s breath and her butt: Sprinkle parsley on your dog’s food for fresher breath (and possibly butt).

water

10. If your dog gets thirsty on-the-go: I personally love the feeling of my dog drinking out of my hands, but if you don’t empty a pancake syrup bottle and fill with water for an on-the-go water bottle.

drawer

11. If you run out of room for your dog’s food: Use an extra drawer as a storage for dog food.  Make sure you fit a tub or empty trash can in the drawer before you dump all her food in it.  And also make sure she can’t operate drawers.

12. If your dog won’t stay off the couch:

dog couch

13. If you’re lazy*:

dogwalk

*Don’t be lazy; walk your dog

walk

Unless of course your dog is the lazy one, like Tasko:

20130112_123148[1]

Credits to Peggy Wang at BuzzFeed